Mental health is always a challenging topic. While I make light of my own experiences, it is something that I go through on a day-to-day basis. I should warn you, this post will contain discussion of suicidal thoughts. Feel free to turn away if you feel this may be distressing for you.
I have never found a way of managing my mental health. It is rare that I find balance. I can be disturbingly cheerful and active one day, and the next I’m lethargic and trying to fend off dark thoughts. It has got to the point where I worry when I have a good day, as it is almost inevitable that the depression will rear its head. I have gotten better at learning to appreciate the positive things that happen in my life. Sadly, that doesn’t help when things are at their bleakest.
In the past, there have been suicide attempts. Nothing that stuck (which is clear from the fact that I am here writing this now). I will spare you the details, those who know, know. Over the past year I have not made any attempts and I do not intend to. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have suicidal thoughts. A habit I have noticed is that I when I get lost in dark thoughts, there’s a dark voice instead. It takes great pleasure in reminding me why I’d be better off dead. Almost taunting me because I’m still alive. Examples of the types of thoughts include “Why are you so stupid?” “You know that the world would be better without you?” “You can’t even leave the house, you’d be better off dead”. While I can manage my urges to end my life, I am not so easily able to dismiss the voice. It makes the darkness even darker and in turn makes it much more difficult to get away from. I wouldn’t mind if I could get find a way of coping with it, but it seems to have a control on my life. I worry about any positive thing because I know the voice is just around the corner. I feel drained, lonely and numb.
Understanding the causes of the voice, would help a great deal. Is this some kind of undiagnosed mental health issue? It could be another method of managing my emotions (albeit destructive). Maybe I just need to take a break from myself. I realise that something like this is not going to be resolved overnight. I do need to do something about it, though. Fighting with the voice is draining. It leaves me feeling alone. It causes me to want to cry, but not be able to.
I wish I could end this on a happier note. If you are experiencing similar feelings and thoughts, you aren’t alone. All I can do for anyone who reads this and worries (because I know people will) is to assure you that I have no intention of making an attempt on my life. I will discuss this with a specialist at the earliest opportunity. I will not give in. In fact, putting this out there is a positive step. It allows me to start discussions about my mental health, as well as helping me realise some positive steps I have made.
If you are experiencing similar issues, please seek help. It won’t make everything easier. It will be a step on the road to understanding and dealing with the problems you have. Check out the support page here for resources.
Not Broken 