Loosing communication

Photo by Anni Roenkae on Pexels.com

The point where you forget how to converse can be very dark. It makes you look at your choices and wonder where you went wrong. Was it the way I was brought up, the fact that I am naturally shy, or something other people said when I last spoke to them? So many questions, and yet the answer isn’t as simple as a single trigger.

Lately I have found myself keeping away from actual conversations that don’t take the form of text based messages (e.g. Discord/DMs/Texts etc). It’s because there is a very real fear that I will be unable to deal with people in a voice call. Little things like a period of silence cause me to become uncomfortable, while too many voices or poor sound quality can leave me having to leave a call (usually with the feeling that I have done something wrong).

The more this happens, the more I find myself retreating into a state of only basic verbal communication. I talk to others I encounter day to day (the cat, the postman or delivery driver), but the conversation is limited to apologising for the fact that I live on the third floor and thanking them for delivering things. I do happily talk when I am streaming on Twitch although not wanting to hear silence plays a part, as well as all the messages being text only meaning I can choose how to address them.

So, how am I dealing with this? Honestly? Not very well. I am increasingly aware of it, I’m also struggling to find any advice on how best to manage it. The advice I have found is all or nothing (as has often been the case when I have been researching autism). There is no advice about how to manage intermittent communication issues, nor do I have the external support to figure things out. At the moment, I am taking the approach that at least I am aware of it. From there, I can slowly build up the information I need to figure out what my next step is, or even if there is need for steps at all.

Published by Kle

A busy bee deep into video games and other gaming related things

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